People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want. They may also bully because they lack the skills to communicate their needs in an effective way. Most people experience bullying at some point, so the following skills are offered for your anti-bullying toolbox. These may help you respond when you find yourself, your child, or a loved one being bullied.
S.A.F.E.
A common plan of action is used through the acronym, S.A.F.E.:
Say something – Speak up for yourself or your loved one’s well-being using a firm tone of voice. Create and practice a script that helps the victim feel safe.
Ask for help – Tell someone who can intervene like a teacher, guardian, or supervisor.
Find a friend – Find a person or group who can stick up for you or your loved one, or who can protect against the bully. It can be more difficult to attack someone who is not alone. Connect with a community that you enjoy and that builds you up.
Exit the area – Make distance between you and the bully, perhaps by walking away or taking a break.
Another similar, commonly suggested acronym is DEBUG: https://www.sightwordsgame.com/bullying/debugging-tools-young-children/
Embracing Feelings
When someone shares with you that they are being bullied, this is a sign they feel safe with you and trust you. Thank them for their courage and validate their experience by reflecting their words. If they are having trouble naming their feelings, help them to label them. You can also express empathy and compassion for yourself if you are being bullied by labeling and allowing your own emotions to flow. For example, you might think: “It’s okay for me to feel mad.” “I’m allowed to feel hurt and cry.” “Of course I feel this way, given the way I was treated.”
Boundary-Setting
We cannot control what other people do, but we can control our own actions and words. In some cases, setting clear and firm boundaries may help. Instead of telling the bully what to do, which you cannot control, you can state something safe and actionable that you will do. For example: “If you do that again, I’m telling the teacher.” “If you continue raising your voice, I will join a different group project.”
Scripted Responses
Often, the advice given to a bullying victim is “Just ignore them,” but this is much easier said than done at any age. Instead, it may be helpful to write and practice a phrase in your own words that you can use when bullied. You might consider speaking in a tone that is calm, firm, and unemotional. This way, you are not giving.
